I have been through quite dramatic things lately…
I lost one of my family members.
I drained myself out of inspiration.
I was broke.
I got sexually harassed by a long-time co-worker.
But, on a lighter note…
I could make music again.
I have a new music project coming up.
I wrote my first unapologetic feminist article.
I dyed my hair green.
And I have never felt more alive.
For more than half a year now, I have been in a state of desperation looking for a job, after quitting my office work. Trying hard to stay true to my chosen path, becoming a full-time musician. Because that is simply the only thing I would want to do in life.
Of course things were never as smooth as they were planned to be.
My parents keep asking me what exactly I do for living. I keep refusing to ask them to lend me some money when I got nearly zero money in my bank account. Things at home were very distracting with all of the so-called “responsibilities”, because of course they don’t see my struggle to earn my own living. Well, I try not to show them.
And when things get tough, I’m always tempted to find another “real job”. You know, a 9-to-5 with a fixed monthly income?
Because when you browse through LinkedIn, JobsDB, Freelancer.com, and other marketplaces you might know, you will never find jobs for musicians. Nobody would hire a musician in their office. Nobody would call a musician for a potential job interview.
I keep thinking if I should just give up, and go back to the usual cycle I’ve been in for the past five years: get a real job, get exploited by lousy bosses, save enough money, resign, spend everything on music projects, get broke, postpone future projects, look for another job, repeat from beginning.
Yes, I’ve been broke (for a good reason, I think) for so many times.
Then, I dyed my hair green.
I did it myself. Obviously not a good idea—I mean, the doing-it-yourself part, not the decision on dyeing it green (seriously, please ask someone to dye the back side for you!).
The decision was spontaneous: “I just want to dye my curly hair! And I want it RIGHT NOW!” It was reckless. And it was cathartic.
At first, it was indeed for self-expression, but then I realised: No one is gonna hire me in their office. I mean, who would think it’s a good idea to have a green-haired clown representing their office?
It seems that I was giving myself a final sentence: “Now that nobody is gonna hire you, you can just stop to even think about it!”
So here I am, still figuring out how to settle. Like most of y’all, guys! :)
This is the real me, without any gimmicks or intended personal branding. I am that “Green-haired Petite Lady Who Sings & Shouts”.
I am proud of my individuality—and please don’t mind me singing & shouting in front of you, because that is just what I do.
I will continue sharing my story, my music, my art, my piece of mind right here, on this blog. I will be updating more frequently than ever, on every Friday! And you can only expect the most honest thoughts from me.
I love you sincerely