Dear Bottlesmoker (Angkuy and Nobie),
The moment you got back at me for your collaboration, my (then) boyfriend called to congratulate me.
There were two reasons. The first one, because it had been quite some time and I was craving real bad to finally getting back at doing actual music after a long break dealing with anxieties and depressions throughout the year.
The second one, might be because it had been quite some time since someone really congratulates me on anything.
You had me at “CJ, we are happy to work on this single with you, you know. This one has to be epic!” That was all I need to hear.
Thank you for the invitation to perform together on June 4th, the time when you insisted me to bring my Push, the moment when you sparked the idea of adding one more song on my song list two days prior to D-day, the moment when we realized we won’t have time for any rehearsal.
They were all surprising! And judging from my past experiences, I instantly thought it just won’t work. We were dealing with lots of automated systems and electronics, and they went wild sometimes. But somehow, there was something about you guys that made me decided not to jinx and just went on with it.
I used to trust people more, to the point where I broke their hearts and prides without even realizing it. I’ve learned that the world goes round by the sets of expectations. And some people thought I should know their sets of expectations right before they are even trying to communicate them with me.
I didn’t know what you expected of me when I was asked to perform together with you guys, I only tried my best not to set the stage on fire while I was up there. It was my only idea to prove that I was more useful than a mere mic stand with a fancy curly hair.
When I was finally up there, I thought I was calm enough and ready to perform as I opened my MacBook. But that sudden simple “Just relax, CJ,” and the bump fists, they were surprisingly refreshing and just snapped me out of anything I was in! If you haven’t noticed, you guys had done so much to put my mind where it has to be and to put myself in this safe place, away from my anxieties for not being good enough.
I could feel this huge amount of trust and positive energy you put me in. And that had helped me to fully trust both of you, too. That was why I found it extremely comfortable standing closely with you guys, nodding our heads to the beats beneath the sparkling lights until it was time for me to get off the stage.
I don’t care of what went wrong on that stage anymore. What we shared these last few days were all that matter to me. It was fucking worth it, every single second of it.
Thank you for letting me know I don’t suck.